Stressed out by having to deal with difficult people? It can be so frustrating! You’ve done everything possible and you’ve been more than reasonable and X continues to be difficult and obstructive.
It may be that they’re constantly moaning, or negative,or not taking responsibility for doing their job properly. May be you’ve tried lots of tactics and nothing seems to work. It’s starting to wear you down and you’re feeling anger, anxiety, guilt or depressed about it all.
So … what next?
Take a few minutes out and reflect on these coaching questions to open up new possibilities.
Think of an example of the difficult behaviour.
- eg X became tearful when I asked her to order office supplies
What emotions did you feel as a consequence of this difficult behaviour?
- eg Frustration because I had to back down and then ask someone else to do the order
What are your beliefs about the difficult behaviour?
- eg Tears must mean I’m a bad manager.
Is this belief helpful or unhelpful for you?
- eg unhelpful becauseI feel the tears are controlling me
Would you teach others this belief?
- eg No, because backing down whenever there are signs of tears is the sign of a bad manager
What new belief might be more helpful?
- eg I am a good manager who offers support for tears and agrees what support is required for task to be completed
What are the advantages and disadvantages of the unhelpful and the new possibly more helpful belief?
- eg backing down when tears:advantages are that I get out of an uncomfortable situation quickly; Disadvantages are that team not delivering, X is controlling me, asking other team members to carry out task creates resentment in other team members.
Good manager offering support: advantages are that tasks are completed by the appropriate members of the team, team learn more positive team working behaviours,team member access counselling support when appropriate, team more effective; Disadvantages are new belief and behaviours feel uncomfortable to learn.
Which would be more helpful?
New belief – I am a good manager who can work with difficult behaviours
We can’t control others’ behaviour but we can control our beliefs, our emotions and our own behaviour. The majority of the time it’s not others’ difficult behaviour that is directly influencing our reaction to it but our beliefs about their behaviour that then give rise to our emotions. When our emotional reaction isn’t helping us then we have the option of changing our beliefs about the difficult behaviour which then leads to a different and more helpful reaction and outcome. The questions above are designed to assist you in identifying and changing beliefs that are no longer helpful for you.
This blog provides a flavour of the approach a coach applying cognitive behavioural coaching techniques might use to assist clients. If you’re interested in a coaching session to explore how you might change your reaction to others’ difficult behaviour email karen@aspirecc.co.uk to find out more about coaching.
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